So today we close on the farm. When I sign those papers, I am not sure if I will be able to hold back on the tears. Up until now I have tried to accept that we are losing the home that we built, but I guess deep down inside of me, I have held out hope that some day she will come to us and say “I am sorry, I did you wrong, let’s go back to the original agreement”. But I know in my mind that will not happen. When I sign my name to these papers today, the farm becomes ours and it is severing the ties to the homestead we built with our own hands. It stops any chance for reconciliation and any future there in our one room house. It hurts, I am not going to pretend it does not, it hurts bad.
We ran into Hazel on Friday evening at Captain D’s. Amanda, Lakota, Perrin, Chris and myself went after work and Hazel was there with some old woman and another elderly couple was talking to her. We could hear them, talking about us. She had no clue we were there and she was telling these people lies about us and talking about us like we were these horrible people taking advantage of her. I wanted so badly to go interrupt her and inform them all that we have faithfully made land payments to her for a year now. That SHE came to us and suckered us into building that house and paying her and taking care of her so she could back out of the deal when Jimmy died and leave us out $20,000 and no home. I wanted to tell them the truth, but I stayed back to listen to the lies, without her having a clue we were there until she got up to leave and then she saw me setting there. It was as if she saw Jimmy’s ghost standing in front of her, panic, fear, worry, all written on her little face. She practically ran out the door and I am sure she has worried this weekend about just how much we actually heard.
Living there now is a nightmare. We cannot fix the driveway, it is flooded out, my car has been stuck in the mud more times than I can count, we have to walk back and forth through the mud, carrying 50 pound bags of animal feed, clothes to change in to once we get to the car because of mud. We have no life there now, nothing. I have slowly tried to break any sentimental ties I have to the home and farm. I refuse to go look at all of my plants and shrubs blooming, I won’t even walk the property anymore. It is forward from here, today…we move on. We will start preparing our new home, bringing it back to life, starting over there. Yes it hurts, terribly, but it must be done. We have made it through so much already, I know we will be OK. The first 6 months will be very difficult, but after that things will be better for us. Time, patience, hard work, is ahead for us….but so is movement, laughter, love, devotion and dreams fulfilled.